Friendship

My daughter Clancy is ten, gets along with pretty much anyone but rarely wants to be with someone else more than she wants to be by herself. Until about 6 months ago when she found a girl she really likes.

The object of her affection makes Clancy laugh and feel happy. They are in the same class, live close to one another and recently they spent 48 hours together without incident. This girl's world does not revolve around Clancy, but Clancy’s world does - did - revolve around her pal until last week when she realized that love is never a perfect balance. A necessary lesson.

Clancy’s pal spends summers away and has a whole other life during July and August with kids she has known since she was in diapers, kids she only sees in the summers, kids who know the lay of the land, the rules of the games, the hiding spots, the secret handshakes and all the other cool things that going with living on another planet every summer.

Our travels brought us near this place last week and Clancy popped in on her friend. It didn’t go quite as she had envisioned. Rather than surprise and glee at seeing Clancy, her buddy gave her a smile and a “hey” but didn't stop to chat, told her she was busy and kept walking. We have all been there. It’s what happens when your expectations high and we expect others to behave as we think we would if the tables were turned. 

She came back stunned and stung. There was nothing I could do to “fix” it that would not have made things worse. She had to feel it all and get over it in her own time, file it where she needed to.

She was fine in no time so when her pal texted her a few days later to get together she was happy to go. I asked her if she was going to tell her friend how things the other day had made her feel.

“Yes, if the right moment comes up.” she said

I said: “I think you should be sure to tell her Clancy, it’s important to tell friends what hurts us, what makes us happy. It helps them too. Everybody learns.”

She was quiet. It was the silence that comes while she decides if she can say what’s on her mind with impunity. I gave her the green light; “Say what you want kid, no hard feelings.”

“Mom, it feels like you want me to fix something that happened to you.”

God love her, rarely I am I the smarter the two of us in conversation.

“I don’t want you to fix my childhood, live out my dreams or be some version of me I wish I had become. But I didn’t make a ton of mistakes so that you wouldn’t at least try to learn from them. All I am saying is this - if you get used to telling people how you feel it will serve you well. There are ways to do it that are polite, not whiny and if you practice you'll get good at it. It will strengthen good relationships and weed out the crappy ones. In no time you will have mastered what I it took me nearly a half a century to learn I was allowed to do and am still trying to get good at.”

“Okay mom.”

So off she went. I picked her up hours later after what she described as being the “best night of her life”. She had talked with her pal, all was good. Ta da.

As their relationships become more complicated I have to remember to react to their problems the same way I did when they were little and fell down; the less drama in my reaction, the less drama they create. My credo then was: "No broken bones or blood? Carry on." and I need to behave the same way for what lies ahead.

Of course there will times to listen and give them a shoulder to cry on but for the most part: An "Oh were your pals busy with other things? We'll call next time before dropping by." will be the best reaction. 

As my friend Annie the Nanny says: Jesus is coming, look busy. (It refers to a t-shirt worn by Johnny English) By that she means this - when parents are busy being grown ups and kids are left to be kids we have little time for more than a perfunctory "It'll be okay kid." And that attitude helps children understand what it is to be resilient. The sooner we teach them that the better they will be at it later in life. 

They need to ....














For a great read, check out Annie's post about resiliency here