Many years ago, before I had kids of mine own, I was at a Ron James show at the University of Calgary. He was a riot, as usual, and one bit in particular stood out for me from that show that I have never forgotten. He was talking about having young kids and all the gear you haul around but that how sometimes it comes in handy in ways you had not anticipated.
He went on to describe something he did that was very funny and very clever and that I had an opportunity to try - or “test” might be the better word - a decade later.
When my son Jack was three, and his sister was in preschool, we would head down to the train yards near our place to kill some time. I’d get a big latte, we’d find some front row parking, he’d move into the front passenger seat with his animal crackers and we would settle in to watch the goings-on in the train yard. We never had to wait too long for action. Most days we’d get to see some engines shunting around and at least one or two trains heading off to deliver something to someone, somewhere. The road ran parallel to the tracks and when the trains were heading east and we were heading home we’d drive along beside them keeping pace.
One glorious spring morning they were a bunch of guys out at the yards doing something with the tracks and using an engine to go back and forth and test what they had done. It was non-stop train business and Jack was vibrating with excitement. We ended up staying much longer than we usually did and my latte had made its way through me and wanted out.
Leaving during all this activity was out of the question but there were no toilets around. No offices, businesses, not even a bush. The more time I spent trying to figure out what to do, the more pressing the actual doing became. I was in a pickle.
Then Ron’s story came to mind. He said he had been stuck in LA traffic with his young son, and he had to pee, he was trying to figure out what to do when he realized he had diapers on hand. And so did I .
I grabbed a Pampers out of Jack’s bag, unfolded it and shoved it in my pants like a canoe, positioned it for what I hoped would be optimum coverage and let go. In no time at all I realized that taking advice from a comedian made me a complete moron. The first diaper filled up fast and I was faced with the miserable, and nearly impossible, task of stopping midstream to exchange diaper number one for diaper number two ... and then yes ... two for three.
Years later Ron James was touring the country to promote his new TV show and he came by to do an interview at the radio station where I was working the morning show with my pal Terry. We talked about all kinds of stuff and we had a great time, he’s the nicest, funniest guy ever. Just before he left I mentioned to him that I had tried his diaper-in-traffic trick but that I had found it didn't work as well as he had said that he did for him.
Ron just started cracking up. He was in hysterics. I think he was trying to point at me (the international sign, when accompanying laughter, for ridicule) but he was laughing so hard he couldn’t lift his arm. Terry and I were in hysterics too and all I could think was: “I wish I had a diaper.”
( so ya know ... "venti" is Latin for twenty - as in 20 oz. latte. While "pampers" is Latin for 10 oz. )
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