Bully Proof Workshop

Originally Posted March 24, 2012

My kids are both students of the Tao of Peace. 

Clancy doesn't go anymore (“I love the philosophy Mom but I don’t like to kick and punch, even into the air.”) but Jack still goes every week and has his yellow belt. Clancy listens to Coach's Corner form the sidelines..
 
Belt progression is supported and encouraged but no one is ever pushed. It is something to work towards and be proud of but the student determines how quickly or slowly they want to work towards their next belt. As Instructor Chris says “Karate is the system I chose to use to deliver the message.” And the message at the Tao of Peace is one of finding personal peace, truth, respect, trust and courage. All good stuff.

Last night the crew at the Tao held their Bully Proofing Workshop for the family. Like most of us I have advised my kids to just steer clear of bullies. They know that if they ever bully anybody, even once, they will wear a t-shirt all day, every day, that says I AM A BULLY! KEEP AWAY! 

Early on the kids were asked if they knew any bullies and Clancy’s hand went up, she wanted to talk about a kid at school. Turns out one of other kids had the same kid in mind and I, not for the first time, felt sorry for this girl who has earned such a nasty reputation at such a young age.

The child in question has been at it since kindergarten - lying, pushing, kicking, name calling, hiding shoes, stealing lunches - you name it. No amount of speaking to the teachers, principal or her parents has helped. In grade one, just a days after the kid had pushed Clancy’s little brother off a swing, Clancy was filling out Valentine cards and the first one she did was for the mean girl. I figured she was trying to suck up and thereby protect herself and brother from further infractions. I asked her why she chose to give a card to the mean girl and she said; “I think she has a good heart deep down Mom and if she just knows someone thinks so then maybe she’ll be kind.” In her grade one scrawl that was pretty much the message she tried to inscribe on a Disney Princess heart. From the hearts of babes.

My daughter’s hopes were dashed. The behaviour continues today, two years later, to the extent that one family is changing schools to avoid the drama. Clancy just ignores the kid and, for the most part, the kid ignores Clancy.

From my days in elementary school I can’t remember any viciousness like this little one has stored up and certainly if it was around, it would never have gone unchecked for so long. Back then the perp went to the principal's office and got an earful, then detention and in repeat cases, the strap! Yikes. No wonder these things got nipped in the bud. But today lots of parents don’t bother to discipline, the schools walk a PC tightrope and few kids know the meaning of the word consequence. They just keep doing whatever it is they are doing and no one ever points out whether it is appropriate or inappropriate behaviour and before you know it it is simply WHO they are, rather than something they once did until they learned better.

Back to the workshop ... Last night Instructor Chris (a mentor beyond measure) gave the parents and kids insight into who the bully is, what makes them tick and how kids should react to them. It was so gentle and kind and the advice was structured so these kids could easily see the wisdom in the method. It was a great session for the parents and the kids, who ranged in age from about 5 to 12. 

He discussed our hot “buttons”, the things that bother us that bullies can see clearly and use to hurt us. Once we identify them, separate the ones we can change from those we cannot and deal with both types there are no buttons left to push. When we love ourselves and our imperfections we are bully proof. This was Chris's key message of the evening.

We were given sticky notes on which to write our buttons and then put on our shirts. I looked over at my nine year old and she was shingled in yellow notes. (Jack meanwhile was struggling to find one thing about himself he didn’t like and at one point seemed to be searching his body for an actual button).

Turned out Clancy’s buttons were less daunting that I had worriedly anticipated ... she didn’t like to be lied to, gossiped about, hurt physically, called names or have someone make fun her because she wore glasses. She didn’t like anyone saying mean things about her mother, father or brother and she didn’t like to see anyone else get bullied because it made her feel helpless. These all seemed like pretty normal concerns and things we could work on together. The exercise opened up a discussion that we might not have otherwise had. It was a terrific evening of information, laughs (until you have done the chicken dance for a perfect stranger you haven't really felt vulnerable...or laughed as hard!) and it was free. 

Many thanks Chris and Kathy and the rest of the instructors at the Tao of Peace.

To find out more about the Tao of Peace and their various workshops, click here