Bullying Comes Down to Parenting

Originally Posted November 11, 2012

Is bullying more prevalent today than in the past?

Sure it is. And it’s not the internet, TV or pop culture.

The problem is parenting. 

Kids are not born mean, in fact research shows they arrive instinctively empathetic. But there are more mean kids out there today than there have been in the past simply because way too many of today's parents have their heads stuck up their ass. 

When confronted with the possibility that their child has behaved poorly an alarming number of parents counter with; “No way, not my kid!” rather than ask to hear more.

Really? Your middle child kicks the dog, your oldest child tells the baby she’s stupid and they are both kicking you as we speak. Are you sure there isn’t a teensy weensy possibility they treat everyone else the same way? 

Nasty little folk become nastier grown ups, hopeless spouses, lousy employees and nightmarish employers and will raise their own despicable kids. The proverbial apple and tree and all that. 

That's how we got to where we are today. 

When you get away with awful behaviour as a kid you grow up to believe that you can get away with anything and that nothing is ever your fault. Not even driving other kids to swallow pills or slit their wrists.

When bad behaviour pops up on the radar smart parents deal with it right away. Discuss, guide, discipline until it has been exorcised. That’s the job.

When parents do not address the behaviour it instead gets exercised. The kid is essentially in training, honing their subversive skills, becoming more manipulative and nastier everyday.

Remember the commercial with the cat that destroys the house and lies serenely on the chair looking innocent having left the debris and evidence around the sleeping dog - owner walks in, dog wakes up, gets in trouble and the cat smiles that sinister cat smile? Remember that one?

That is a kid who was never called on his or her behaviour.

Back in the day EVERY mother gave EVERY kid “what for” and “or else”.

When we where climbing trees up to dangerous heights some woman we didn’t know would open her window and yell; “You get down from there you morons, you’re going to crack your stupid heads open. I’m calling the cops.” Was she wrong? No. She was trying to stop us from killing ourselves. 

Was she name calling? No, she was stating facts. We were morons, owners of stupid heads.

Try doing that today and the kids will call the cops on you.

These days we are so afraid to say the wrong thing and somehow cripple some 6 year kid with the truth that instead we allow that kid to grow up to be a mean teen and a turdy twenty-something and on and on.

Some parents are simply not dialed in. They are quick to reprimand their dog for trying to nip or bite and meanwhile their 7 year old is right there pinching her little sister. ( I often wonder what the dog is thinking in this scenario.)

If another kid is rotten to your kid then try the parent, try the school and when no one helps you have to get in there. Tell the rotten kid to keep his hands off your kid or else. And yeah you’ll get heat but you’re doing both kids a favour.

You know those stories of the mom who lifted a car to save their kids’ lives? Well, telling another woman her kid simply has to stop being mean to your kid ... that’s easier than lifting a car. You’re going to loose some coffee dates, you might get named called and whispered about but you’re a grown up and you can handle it, better you than your kid.

If you don’t stand up for your child you are telling the mean kid they can get away with what they are doing and you are telling your kid there is a line you will not cross to help them.

INTERESTING READS

Young children and even babies demonstrate attributes such as generosity, empathy and a sense of justice, indicating that far from being born as clean slates, humans seem to have innate altruistic tendencies and are able to make moral choices at a remarkably young age. article

"Most kids have engaged in some kind of bullying behaviour in elementary school," says Wendy Craig, a Queen's University psychologist who studies the issue. According to one study involving the early grades, only 36 per cent of girls and 17 per cent of boys said they'd had no involvement in bullying over the course of the school year. "The message for teachers and parents is to identify them early," Dr. Craig says. "If you get a call twice in the school year, you need to be vigilant." article  

Toddlers who are persistently aggressive, defiant and “explosive” aren’t born that way. A new longitudinal study says they’re made that way by “negative parenting” as early as infancy. article

            

Remember, there are really great Bully Proofing work-shops at The Tao of Peace, visit their site to find out more.  And there are terrific programs available through Girl Power, visit their site here.

Keep Your Kids Talking to You

Originally Posted July 7, 2012

We all know mean, nasty, grumpy, temperamental people of all ages. We get used to it, come to expect that we'll have to share the planet with these folks. But when kids encounter them for the first time, it’s a bit of a shocker. They can't figure out what they did to deserve such treatment, they think it's their fault, some feel helpless as to what they can do to make it stop. Making sure our kids talk to us about these kinds of things is paramount. When they don't talk about it, when they stay quiet, put up with it alone, don't ask for help - that's when the real trouble starts, the kind of trouble that left unresolved is what hurts some kids so deeply that some feel their only escape is a drastic, permanent one. 

My daughter has had an ongoing situation with a girl and her crew at school. We tried various ways to resolve it but the school told the kids to "just get along" and the parents said we were lying about their daughter's behaviour. So we advised our daughter to stay clear, take the high road and keep us posted. It was annoying and hurtful but never a big enough deal to make Clancy not want to go to school. She had other pals and most days passed without drama.

A few months ago, however, I knew something was up. Clancy wasn’t herself and when I asked what was up she said; “Nothing.” I waited and that evening she and I were sitting on the couch reading our books when she asked if God could hear our thoughts. The conversation unfolded to reveal that she thought maybe she wouldn’t get into heaven because she had been having bad thoughts. She said she had wanted to tell me but felt so awful about it she just couldn’t. She went on to explain that she was tired off the girls teasing her and had fantasized about their leader falling and breaking a nail. I explained that no god would consider her thoughts evil enough to refuse to let her into to his place.

We talked about everyone having bad thoughts from time to time, what it means to not act on them, the fact that she was a good candidate for heaven but she told me that she thought she was changing at her core and her feelings of anger were going to make her become mean like these other girls. This pissed me off. Between what I was thinking about the school's administration and the mother, there was no way I was getting into heaven.

I assured her that even though she felt angry, which was normal, she wasn't mean and never would be. Eventually she did feel better. I asked her to remember she can always come to me, that there is nothing she could ever do or say that would lose her my love and that she had to promise that as she got older and the problems got bigger that she would always come to me, even when she thought I was the dumbest woman on the planet she still had to give me a shot.

She asked me to get the video camera, this is something they do every now and again. They like to make a video to leave for their “bigger selves”. A video time capsule of something they want to remember. So Clancy wanted something to remind her older self to always let mom help.

The Dana Clancy mentions in the video is Dana Kerford, founder of a beautiful  program for girls called Girl Power. Click here for more.

And what became of the situation at school? 

Since talking to the kid’s mother had never worked I decided instead to move the target from my daughter to myself. I wrote the mother an email detailing what I, and the other parents, had witnessed her daughter doing. I figured since she had always claimed her kid was blameless the letter would infuriate her and she would admonish her kid to stay away from mine so that I could never say I Told You So.

It worked. Clancy enjoyed drama-free days at school. And the mother, well, she called me names on facebook and the husband called me names in an email. Proving the point and making it plain to see where their kid had learned to call her classmates “dorks” and “stupid”. 

Honour Their Nature

Originally Posted June 24, 2012

My kids are not tough nor are they dare devils but they are many other things that I admire.

They are scared of water but they are not scared to tell the truth.

They don’t take many chances but they do take responsibility.

They may not stand up for themselves but they always stand up for their friends.

My daughter is sensitive, emotional and quick to cry so she is an easy target for the kids who take pleasure in picking on her type.

I was at the school having lunch with the kids last week when her brother said something to her that hurt her feelings and she cried.

In light of what’s been going on I said to her: “You know kiddo, these kinds of emotional outbursts are what make you a target, maybe you should try to rein ‘em in.” 

“But Jack truly hurt my feelings mom, the tears follow the hurt.”

Of course they do. In suggesting she not feel things quite so deeply I was not honouring her nature. I was telling her to toughen up, something I have been told and always loathed - a ridiculous expression that needs to be countered with: “Why don’t you soften up?”

I would love for her not to been seen as prey but on the other hand I know that if sensitive and cry-baby and wimp is the worst she gets called she and I can live with it. I would rather that than find out her true nature earned her other descriptives like bully, mean and aggressive.

My daughter is kind at heart and she feels true empathy - I don’t want her to toughen up.

Our Daughters

Originally Posted April 3, 2012

A friend’s 12 year daughter couldn’t make a recent party with peers as she had other plans. What did she miss? Pizza and cake and a few laughs right? 
Sadly ... no. One of the more precocious girls at the party decided to hold an impromptu fellatio workshop for the other gals. She had the boys stand up for a demonstration while her female students watched. One of the boys reportedly felt a bit embarrassed so all he got was manual manipulation. The other boys were willing participants in the oral version.


There is a rumour going around that junior and high school girls are soaking tampons in vodka and inserting them up inside themselves to get an undetectable buzz on. No boozy breath and a grand old time as the liquor is supposedly absorbed directly into the bloodstream. This rumour was accompanied by the notion boys are doing the same but inserting it in their arse.
So many things make this suspect not the least of which is the impossibility that a soaked, flaccid tampon could be inserted into anything ... but nonetheless the rumour is out there so the kids know about it and some will give it a go.


There was a story in the paper yesterday about the growing number of teen girls committing suicide and that on closer inspection some of these horrible deaths can be attributed to the "choking game", in which children strangle themselves to cut off the flow of blood and oxygen to the brain and induce a euphoric high. Some accidentally die while playing this "game" alone in search of something made to sound fantastic on an internet post.


Bullied on Facebook, Twitter Teased, sexualized, ostracized ....What do we tell our daughters? 
“It” all seems to start so much earlier now. 


Children are exposed to so much so early and it's all without context. Their vocabulary includes words at 6 I didn’t hear until I was in my teens. And by that I don’t just mean the euphemisms and epithets I mean words like “stress” and “anxiety” and “fat”. Their experiential repertoire already includes incidents steeped in disappointment, betrayal and meanness ... it’s all too soon, too early. It’s a byproduct of so many things and the genie ain’t going back in the bottle so it is up to us to find the tools - and most importantly, the language - to help our daughters navigate these murky and turbulent waters that are lapping up at childhood’s magical shores earlier and earlier all the time. 

Much as the net can be a feeding ground for misinformation it is of course a great place to find the antidote. Here are two great sites to visit and below that a story from a mom about her daughter's journey from being bullied to finding self-confidence.

Site: Miss Representation

Site: Girl Power

Bully Proof Workshop

Originally Posted March 24, 2012

My kids are both students of the Tao of Peace. 

Clancy doesn't go anymore (“I love the philosophy Mom but I don’t like to kick and punch, even into the air.”) but Jack still goes every week and has his yellow belt. Clancy listens to Coach's Corner form the sidelines..
 
Belt progression is supported and encouraged but no one is ever pushed. It is something to work towards and be proud of but the student determines how quickly or slowly they want to work towards their next belt. As Instructor Chris says “Karate is the system I chose to use to deliver the message.” And the message at the Tao of Peace is one of finding personal peace, truth, respect, trust and courage. All good stuff.

Last night the crew at the Tao held their Bully Proofing Workshop for the family. Like most of us I have advised my kids to just steer clear of bullies. They know that if they ever bully anybody, even once, they will wear a t-shirt all day, every day, that says I AM A BULLY! KEEP AWAY! 

Early on the kids were asked if they knew any bullies and Clancy’s hand went up, she wanted to talk about a kid at school. Turns out one of other kids had the same kid in mind and I, not for the first time, felt sorry for this girl who has earned such a nasty reputation at such a young age.

The child in question has been at it since kindergarten - lying, pushing, kicking, name calling, hiding shoes, stealing lunches - you name it. No amount of speaking to the teachers, principal or her parents has helped. In grade one, just a days after the kid had pushed Clancy’s little brother off a swing, Clancy was filling out Valentine cards and the first one she did was for the mean girl. I figured she was trying to suck up and thereby protect herself and brother from further infractions. I asked her why she chose to give a card to the mean girl and she said; “I think she has a good heart deep down Mom and if she just knows someone thinks so then maybe she’ll be kind.” In her grade one scrawl that was pretty much the message she tried to inscribe on a Disney Princess heart. From the hearts of babes.

My daughter’s hopes were dashed. The behaviour continues today, two years later, to the extent that one family is changing schools to avoid the drama. Clancy just ignores the kid and, for the most part, the kid ignores Clancy.

From my days in elementary school I can’t remember any viciousness like this little one has stored up and certainly if it was around, it would never have gone unchecked for so long. Back then the perp went to the principal's office and got an earful, then detention and in repeat cases, the strap! Yikes. No wonder these things got nipped in the bud. But today lots of parents don’t bother to discipline, the schools walk a PC tightrope and few kids know the meaning of the word consequence. They just keep doing whatever it is they are doing and no one ever points out whether it is appropriate or inappropriate behaviour and before you know it it is simply WHO they are, rather than something they once did until they learned better.

Back to the workshop ... Last night Instructor Chris (a mentor beyond measure) gave the parents and kids insight into who the bully is, what makes them tick and how kids should react to them. It was so gentle and kind and the advice was structured so these kids could easily see the wisdom in the method. It was a great session for the parents and the kids, who ranged in age from about 5 to 12. 

He discussed our hot “buttons”, the things that bother us that bullies can see clearly and use to hurt us. Once we identify them, separate the ones we can change from those we cannot and deal with both types there are no buttons left to push. When we love ourselves and our imperfections we are bully proof. This was Chris's key message of the evening.

We were given sticky notes on which to write our buttons and then put on our shirts. I looked over at my nine year old and she was shingled in yellow notes. (Jack meanwhile was struggling to find one thing about himself he didn’t like and at one point seemed to be searching his body for an actual button).

Turned out Clancy’s buttons were less daunting that I had worriedly anticipated ... she didn’t like to be lied to, gossiped about, hurt physically, called names or have someone make fun her because she wore glasses. She didn’t like anyone saying mean things about her mother, father or brother and she didn’t like to see anyone else get bullied because it made her feel helpless. These all seemed like pretty normal concerns and things we could work on together. The exercise opened up a discussion that we might not have otherwise had. It was a terrific evening of information, laughs (until you have done the chicken dance for a perfect stranger you haven't really felt vulnerable...or laughed as hard!) and it was free. 

Many thanks Chris and Kathy and the rest of the instructors at the Tao of Peace.

To find out more about the Tao of Peace and their various workshops, click here