Thanks for Reading

Every once in a while someone will mention to me they have a favourite post or two and there seems to be a few that people like best. It's a really nice thing to have happen. Feel free to comment anytime and make my day.

Here are a few of those that are mentioned most. 

I hope you like them too. 

Cheers, P

My Kids’ Appalling Table Manners

Bullying is a Parenting Issue

I Feel Shame

E-Reader at the Kids’ Movie

Heroes and Cads

Focus on Kindness Rather than Consequences

At the school our kids go to now we, the parents, don't hear much about meanness, bullying or agrressive behaviour amongst the 350 kids. Not from our kids, not from other parents.

When there has been a problem it's been followed with high praise for the way in which is taken of. Everyone has been satisfied. 

Whatever is going on over there is working because the halls are full of happy kids helping one another out, smiling, giggling. At the open house last month a grade six teacher with some 20-odd years under his belt said he has never had this much fun at work. The teachers always look happy too. There's a nice vibe in the halls from the front desk staff to the custodian.

I asked the principal what she and her staff were doing. Was it Prozac in the water, laughing gas, cult programming ...

She explained that rather focus on the consequences of poor behaviour she and her teachers instead speak to the kids about being inherently kind to one another.

When you tell a kid what the consequence is for their repetitive, unacceptable behaviour all they do is figure out how to side step the consequence by shifting the blame, diverting attention, intimidation - you name it, they hone deviant skills.

Better to spend that time learning how to be kind.

This idea is an extension of how happy households maintain respect - and peace - within their walls and a good principal and staff can do the same with their kids as is clearly evident at St. Dominic Fine Arts School

I just read this article (give it a read, it's good) about a book called "How to Bullyproof your Classroom" in which the author says; "The problem with bullying is actually the challenge of kindness." Amen.

I was reminded of how happy our kids are now that they are in a school that subscribes to this thinking and the biggest part of their day is no longer at odds with the guidance we give them at home.

Parents Have to Parent!

A little girl at a local school is being bullied. One of the bigger boys is "tea bagging" her. Often.

I’ll let you look it up. One note; this version is done clothed. 

Kids - mostly boys - learn about it playing Halo when battle winners gyrate their crotch over a defeated opponent.

The fact that an 11 year old girl is having this done to her - repeatedly - is disturbing.

More disturbing is that another kid in the school has been paying the boy to do it to this poor girl. 
How is it that kids have managed to get to be 12 years old and not know that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable?

The girl's parents have gone to the school to demand action. But the schools don't know what kind of action to take anymore. Nasty behaviour has slowly crept into the schools over the years and it is not being dealt with. Most schools seem to have given up and it's hard to blame them, it's got to be frustrating to have the parents deny culpability just like their kids do. 

"Not me!" Has become: "Not my kid!"

Used to be a teacher would catch a kid doing something wrong, pull them up by the ear, march them to office, call the kid's parents and they would have to come and get the kid, take him/her home and the principal would give the parents what-for.

But something has happened. Somewhere along the line the schools lost the power to tell the parents: "Either your kid smartens up or he/she can’t come back here." 

As a result abhorrent behaviour is left unchecked and kids have no idea what is intrinsically wrong and few pay any consequences for misbehaving.

Parents are afraid to speak to one another directly about each other's kids to discuss things lest they be black-balled by the Mommy Group, ostracized at the soccer filed or name-called on Facebook. I don't recall my mother ever being more interested in her friendships than our well being and our behaviour. Seems today all kinds of things are ignored so that moms can remain "in" while they quietly seethe about one another's kids. Waste of time.

So as a last resort we turn to the schools to discipline the kids - but that's not their job. They are meant to teach the kids. We are their parents.

Policy at the school should be: 

The school tells the kid to knock it off and no amount of whining or crying is going to change things.

They then call the parents and demand they come pick up their kid and give them a refresher in what's right and wrong.

No more chances, if he/she does it again it's a week's suspension and the school doesn't care if you don't have childcare set up for such a situation, that is your problem, maybe use some of your vacation days to sit with at home and teach your kid about life instead of taking another trip to Hawaii so the kid thinks they get rewards for being an ass.

Parents need to be parents so teachers can teach.

Bullying Comes Down to Parenting

Originally Posted November 11, 2012

Is bullying more prevalent today than in the past?

Sure it is. And it’s not the internet, TV or pop culture.

The problem is parenting. 

Kids are not born mean, in fact research shows they arrive instinctively empathetic. But there are more mean kids out there today than there have been in the past simply because way too many of today's parents have their heads stuck up their ass. 

When confronted with the possibility that their child has behaved poorly an alarming number of parents counter with; “No way, not my kid!” rather than ask to hear more.

Really? Your middle child kicks the dog, your oldest child tells the baby she’s stupid and they are both kicking you as we speak. Are you sure there isn’t a teensy weensy possibility they treat everyone else the same way? 

Nasty little folk become nastier grown ups, hopeless spouses, lousy employees and nightmarish employers and will raise their own despicable kids. The proverbial apple and tree and all that. 

That's how we got to where we are today. 

When you get away with awful behaviour as a kid you grow up to believe that you can get away with anything and that nothing is ever your fault. Not even driving other kids to swallow pills or slit their wrists.

When bad behaviour pops up on the radar smart parents deal with it right away. Discuss, guide, discipline until it has been exorcised. That’s the job.

When parents do not address the behaviour it instead gets exercised. The kid is essentially in training, honing their subversive skills, becoming more manipulative and nastier everyday.

Remember the commercial with the cat that destroys the house and lies serenely on the chair looking innocent having left the debris and evidence around the sleeping dog - owner walks in, dog wakes up, gets in trouble and the cat smiles that sinister cat smile? Remember that one?

That is a kid who was never called on his or her behaviour.

Back in the day EVERY mother gave EVERY kid “what for” and “or else”.

When we where climbing trees up to dangerous heights some woman we didn’t know would open her window and yell; “You get down from there you morons, you’re going to crack your stupid heads open. I’m calling the cops.” Was she wrong? No. She was trying to stop us from killing ourselves. 

Was she name calling? No, she was stating facts. We were morons, owners of stupid heads.

Try doing that today and the kids will call the cops on you.

These days we are so afraid to say the wrong thing and somehow cripple some 6 year kid with the truth that instead we allow that kid to grow up to be a mean teen and a turdy twenty-something and on and on.

Some parents are simply not dialed in. They are quick to reprimand their dog for trying to nip or bite and meanwhile their 7 year old is right there pinching her little sister. ( I often wonder what the dog is thinking in this scenario.)

If another kid is rotten to your kid then try the parent, try the school and when no one helps you have to get in there. Tell the rotten kid to keep his hands off your kid or else. And yeah you’ll get heat but you’re doing both kids a favour.

You know those stories of the mom who lifted a car to save their kids’ lives? Well, telling another woman her kid simply has to stop being mean to your kid ... that’s easier than lifting a car. You’re going to loose some coffee dates, you might get named called and whispered about but you’re a grown up and you can handle it, better you than your kid.

If you don’t stand up for your child you are telling the mean kid they can get away with what they are doing and you are telling your kid there is a line you will not cross to help them.

INTERESTING READS

Young children and even babies demonstrate attributes such as generosity, empathy and a sense of justice, indicating that far from being born as clean slates, humans seem to have innate altruistic tendencies and are able to make moral choices at a remarkably young age. article

"Most kids have engaged in some kind of bullying behaviour in elementary school," says Wendy Craig, a Queen's University psychologist who studies the issue. According to one study involving the early grades, only 36 per cent of girls and 17 per cent of boys said they'd had no involvement in bullying over the course of the school year. "The message for teachers and parents is to identify them early," Dr. Craig says. "If you get a call twice in the school year, you need to be vigilant." article  

Toddlers who are persistently aggressive, defiant and “explosive” aren’t born that way. A new longitudinal study says they’re made that way by “negative parenting” as early as infancy. article

            

Remember, there are really great Bully Proofing work-shops at The Tao of Peace, visit their site to find out more.  And there are terrific programs available through Girl Power, visit their site here.

Bully Proof Workshop

Originally Posted March 24, 2012

My kids are both students of the Tao of Peace. 

Clancy doesn't go anymore (“I love the philosophy Mom but I don’t like to kick and punch, even into the air.”) but Jack still goes every week and has his yellow belt. Clancy listens to Coach's Corner form the sidelines..
 
Belt progression is supported and encouraged but no one is ever pushed. It is something to work towards and be proud of but the student determines how quickly or slowly they want to work towards their next belt. As Instructor Chris says “Karate is the system I chose to use to deliver the message.” And the message at the Tao of Peace is one of finding personal peace, truth, respect, trust and courage. All good stuff.

Last night the crew at the Tao held their Bully Proofing Workshop for the family. Like most of us I have advised my kids to just steer clear of bullies. They know that if they ever bully anybody, even once, they will wear a t-shirt all day, every day, that says I AM A BULLY! KEEP AWAY! 

Early on the kids were asked if they knew any bullies and Clancy’s hand went up, she wanted to talk about a kid at school. Turns out one of other kids had the same kid in mind and I, not for the first time, felt sorry for this girl who has earned such a nasty reputation at such a young age.

The child in question has been at it since kindergarten - lying, pushing, kicking, name calling, hiding shoes, stealing lunches - you name it. No amount of speaking to the teachers, principal or her parents has helped. In grade one, just a days after the kid had pushed Clancy’s little brother off a swing, Clancy was filling out Valentine cards and the first one she did was for the mean girl. I figured she was trying to suck up and thereby protect herself and brother from further infractions. I asked her why she chose to give a card to the mean girl and she said; “I think she has a good heart deep down Mom and if she just knows someone thinks so then maybe she’ll be kind.” In her grade one scrawl that was pretty much the message she tried to inscribe on a Disney Princess heart. From the hearts of babes.

My daughter’s hopes were dashed. The behaviour continues today, two years later, to the extent that one family is changing schools to avoid the drama. Clancy just ignores the kid and, for the most part, the kid ignores Clancy.

From my days in elementary school I can’t remember any viciousness like this little one has stored up and certainly if it was around, it would never have gone unchecked for so long. Back then the perp went to the principal's office and got an earful, then detention and in repeat cases, the strap! Yikes. No wonder these things got nipped in the bud. But today lots of parents don’t bother to discipline, the schools walk a PC tightrope and few kids know the meaning of the word consequence. They just keep doing whatever it is they are doing and no one ever points out whether it is appropriate or inappropriate behaviour and before you know it it is simply WHO they are, rather than something they once did until they learned better.

Back to the workshop ... Last night Instructor Chris (a mentor beyond measure) gave the parents and kids insight into who the bully is, what makes them tick and how kids should react to them. It was so gentle and kind and the advice was structured so these kids could easily see the wisdom in the method. It was a great session for the parents and the kids, who ranged in age from about 5 to 12. 

He discussed our hot “buttons”, the things that bother us that bullies can see clearly and use to hurt us. Once we identify them, separate the ones we can change from those we cannot and deal with both types there are no buttons left to push. When we love ourselves and our imperfections we are bully proof. This was Chris's key message of the evening.

We were given sticky notes on which to write our buttons and then put on our shirts. I looked over at my nine year old and she was shingled in yellow notes. (Jack meanwhile was struggling to find one thing about himself he didn’t like and at one point seemed to be searching his body for an actual button).

Turned out Clancy’s buttons were less daunting that I had worriedly anticipated ... she didn’t like to be lied to, gossiped about, hurt physically, called names or have someone make fun her because she wore glasses. She didn’t like anyone saying mean things about her mother, father or brother and she didn’t like to see anyone else get bullied because it made her feel helpless. These all seemed like pretty normal concerns and things we could work on together. The exercise opened up a discussion that we might not have otherwise had. It was a terrific evening of information, laughs (until you have done the chicken dance for a perfect stranger you haven't really felt vulnerable...or laughed as hard!) and it was free. 

Many thanks Chris and Kathy and the rest of the instructors at the Tao of Peace.

To find out more about the Tao of Peace and their various workshops, click here