Average Develops Grit

Originally Posted October 14, 2012

The word “average” is well, just that. It certainly isn’t an adjective we like being used to describe us, let alone our children. 

Except for a short window of time in their lives during which it’s the only word we want to hear.  

When our babies first arrive until about the time the books say they are supposed to be hitting milestones, average is all we pray for. Average height, average weight, average amount of sleep, average number of bowel movements a day - all music to our ears. It’s safe and it means we are doing an excellent job keeping our kids in the middle of the pack. Nothing too extreme. 

More than average body hair: not what we want to hear. Less than average brain size ... you get the idea.

It’s not until we start measuring their brain power that we want to hear about them being anything but average. What parent doesn't want to hear that their kid is doing better than the norm at something?

But perhaps that deserves a second look.

Oftentimes when speaking with mothers and fathers of teenage kids - sons or daughters - you hear something like this: 

“Our youngest struggled but always did well. Because he had to work so hard it meant that he knew exactly what he had to do to keep his grades up. We used to really feel for him back then. While his sister barely had to open a book to get top grades and had all kinds of time for soccer and drama etc, he was at the kitchen table getting help from his sister or a tutor for just about all of his classes.”

You used to feel for him? Not anymore?

It turns out the daughter who had it easy had a rude awakening in the higher grades and was ill-prepared for real work. She had not developed any study skills, had absolutely no relationship with failure nor an understanding, not to mention - tolerance - for having to put in the time necessary to truly learn something. 

The tables turned as the years went by and eventually it was the son who helped his sister. It was having to earn his marks that garnered more than just grades. Just like the money speeches we give them. ;-)

Better-Than-Average sure sounds great when it comes to schoolwork but it should also serve as a warning for parents. For the kids that have it easy find some time for some enrichment classes that challenge them so they get a better sense of what it means to not know the answer right away, of failing and persevering, pondering a problem for more than a minute, researching ideas, doing homework, developing study skills...cracking a bit of a mental sweat. Developing some grit.

The kid who has always had it easy will likely face their first academic challenges right as life is throwing them into the turmoil of hormones, first loves, social pressure, acne and worse. That’s the time when knowing they can handle the books and the tests will provide them with some real footing on an otherwise slippery slope.

Canadian author Paul Tough says high IQ's in childhood are not an indicator for future success. He says GRIT gets is more important. Do you have it?
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Nobody's Perfect

Never say, "oops."  Always say, "Ah, interesting."  ~ Author Unknown

The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.  ~ Edward Phelps

Perfection has one grave defect: it is apt to be dull.  - William Somerset Maugham

Once you accept the fact that  you're not perfect, then you develop some confidence. - Rosalynn Carter

At Bright Minds the kids finish a book of math, submit it to the instructor and begin the next book. The instructor then goes through the finished work and notes any mistakes, it comes back to the students and they have to go back and correct their mistakes.

A couple of things happen here that I like;
One - the child gets a true understanding of the old adage “learn from your mistakes”.
Two - it shows them how far they have come. 

Nothing instills confidence like going back over something you once thought hard and putting your mistakes in perspective. When my kids say "Oh Mom! How could I have thought this was ever hard?”  it is music to my hears. I love to watch as they realize that they have improved and that things they once thought hard are no longer difficult. Just what Mom said would happen. Deliberate practice, correcting and learning from mistakes help master the subject. 

A child who gets a passing C in any subject moves on to the next level with only a barely sufficient grasp of the material that is the very foundation for the next section. How is this allowed to happen?

It’s like, as the Renert brothers point out, giving someone a two wheeled bike and after an afternoon of falls and without mastering how to safely ride a bicycle they are told - yep, good enough, now here’s your unicycle.
A few months into the program my daughter hit a section of problems she found tough. They spent the class working on the methods used to solve the problems but it was going to take practice for her to fully understand it all. She fell apart. 

We talked and what she admitted appalled me “Mom, I have never been given anything in school I couldn’t do. I feel dumb with this new stuff.” 

She is in grade three, more than enough time to have developed a misplaced sense of infallibility. Had I not enrolled her in Bright Minds when would she have encountered a challenging concept? Junior high? High school? Would her self-image of academic brilliance been pulled out from under her just as the social pressures of teenhood had begun to make for slippery footing?

So we had a chat about the truth. About how very rarely in life do you try something that you are instantly good at - motherhood being no exception.

This need for perfection is fostered by the current education system which teaches to the middle of a classroom. Those kids in the middle of the pack get what they need; manageable content and room to improve. The kids at the bottom of the class are moved into the next grade and get left further and further behind while the kids for whom the work is easy are left unchallenged. 

Grade three spelling tests are one example. Now while I understand that there are kids who are being the given appropriate words for their level, what happens to my kid when she gets three mistakes over 30 tests? She feels great and I feel awful. She is developing a pursuit for perfection.

I will not congratulate her for knowing how to spell "farm". Sorry. She reads big, hard books so she had better know how to spell it. I want to commend her efforts but how can I when she doesn’t have to muster any? (for more on the pitfalls of false praise watch the video above)

Though few of us enjoy going over and over things till we get them right there is no other way. I don’t want my surgeon to be anything but a master with his scalpel, my investment advisor having only a pretty good idea of risk management.

Until our children are challenged at school, daily, they will continue to fear making mistakes and that fear of failing will be the biggest barrier between them and a meaningful life, satisfying career and honest relationships.

Deliberate practice is what it takes. Making mistakes, being challenged, learning and relearning until concepts are mastered.

You cannot confidently proclaim “look ma! no hands” until you have fallen off your bike even  when holding on ... with both.