Four months ago our school, St. Dominic Fine Arts (great school), announced they would be doing a production of 101 Dalmatians. I talked Clancy into trying out. Everyone was cast.
Pepper
She is one of the Dalmatians, Pepper. She has songs and dances to do with her cast mates and she has four lines. The rehearsal schedule was long but was unavoidable. A cast of 98 means work and everybody did lots of it. Teachers, kids, volunteers...they all stayed after school at least three days a week for an hour for about three months. While it may have been arduous at times it will no doubt pay off. Clancy is shy in some situations and being on stage would qualify as one of those. Unlike her brother does not crave the spotlight. She is way out of her comfort zone with this play thing. After a tough week of rehearsals and other after school commitments she got fed up and said: "I'm only doing this because you wanted me to." We all know how lousy that feels, when we end up doing something from time to time only because someone else wanted us to. I knew she was likely plotting to kill me and I couldn't blame her. Part of me wanted to give her the option to bail so I didn't have to listen to the complaining but the smarter part of me wanted to see her get through it all and at least not hate it. And my guilt kept me focused, I had let her quit stuff before, I was going to see that it did not happen again. They had their first of two performances tonight (we will see it tomorrow night) in the theatre at a local high school. Her pal's parents drove her there and brought her home. I wondered what she'd be like when she got home. Maybe soaked in flop sweat and saying; "Phew. Glad that's over. One down one to go." or soaked in tears and declaring; "It was awful! I forgot my lines! I want to die." Or would be it be something unexpected? She came skipping and smiling up the driveway declaring: "It was so great! I wish I could do this every night!" It was so much netter than I could have hoped. When kids do well in class they feel good but they also know they have to do it. When they excel in a sport and enjoy going it's because it's a sport they love. But when they do something that scared them, that they didn't have to do and it makes them feel 10 feet tall, well, that changes perspective - ours and theirs. Most importantly for us tonight, hers, of herself. She may have done it "only because her mom wanted her to" but next time she'll do it because she wants to.
Being able to read seems as much a given in today's world as being free of the dangers of polio. But where science can develop a vaccine to guard against disease, children are still moving through the grades without having mastered the ability to read. What happens to them is no less crippling than polio. As a literate Canadian it would probably shock to you know that 48% of adults in this country over 16 are functionally illiterate. (Source: here) That means one out of every two little kids might be joining those staggering statistics. Is it your kid or the one beside them? And how it is that either of them are at risk in 2013? Why? Because kids don't tell anyone they can't read. In one heartbreaking story a little boy put all his efforts into convincing people he was deaf rather than admit he couldn't read. How is possible that a child thinks it is more productive, less ostrasizing, more beneficial to pretend he can't hear rather than admit he can't read? Shame. No matter how smart a kid may be at math and science, or talented as an artist, or fabulous on the playing field, not being able to read well - or at all - creates a perception amongst his peers that he is dumb. From kindergarten to grade 3 we learn to read. From grade 4 and on we read to learn. There is no more instruction. By the time kids get to grade 4 they are expected to be able to learn new subjects and explore new ideas and concepts while reading - AND - they are introduced to French. Can you imagine how hard grade 4 must be if reading is a code you have not cracked? And as if fumbling through one language wasn't bad enough, now you have two? How lonely and dumb you must feel when all the other kids seem to be doing just fine with it? Would your behaviour change? Would you want to go to school? Would you be angry and frustrated?
Watch this, click here If you think your child might be having trouble I have an expert friend who will assess your child for free. She doesn't pay me to mention her, I simply trust her, have seen her help people of all ages. Her name is Lani, her company is Beacon Literacy. Here is the site.
Originally Posted July 13, 201 Both of our kids are scared of the water.
Scared they’ll drown, that the water will burn their eyes out and that they’ll barf if they swallow it...it goes on and on. And that's just in the bath, forget about a pool. They must have been on the Titanic in a former life. It is irrational to us but very real for them. So when it came to swimming I knew we had to move slowly.
I love to swim, my husband does something that looks a lot like swimming but I wouldn't trust him swimming away from shore, only along the shore. He nearly drowned in the wave pool at Disneyworld, in his 20’s. True story.
Sure I wish Jack and Clancy were more comfortable in water but, in my opinion, this is one of those situations in which the kid gets to decide how fast they are gonna go. We all know an adult who doesn't swim and most will tell you they have been terrified of water their entire lives and never learned how to swim. They usually tell the same kind of story: When they were little they were subjected to the “sink or swim” teaching technique and have vivid memories of thrashing around in fear while the people they trusted most stood poolside smiling (the nerve!) and saying "you can do it " - but no had bothered to tell to them was IT was.
My kids, aged 9 and 7, have spent the last two weeks in junior level swim lessons with 5 and 6 year olds but they don’t care and nor do I. The other kids were under water, blowing bubbles, floating and my two, standing feet on the bottom with half their bodies above water, will not graduate from this level - this time - but they don’t care and nor do I.
But they have gone from not wanting to getting in the pool to not wanting to get out. Yeah!
Kim, their patient and wonderful instructor, never forced them to do anything but always encouraged them to try. She applauded their true efforts and was honest with them when things needed improvement (like, walking along the bottom is NOT swimming). I was off to the side reading and paid little attention unless they asked me to watch this mom! Yesterday Clancy had a banner day - after the class we spent four hours in the pool and by the end of it she was going down the slide into 14 feet of water. (Albeit in a life jacket but now at least she is convinced they work, she was always sceptical.)
She said to me in car on the way home; “Mom, I feel awesome, that anything is possible and it’s because of all this swimming.”
“That's great kiddo! I am thrilled for you.” “I'm going to try everything as hard as I can now and not worry anymore about standing out if I don't get it right away. I bet I could do anything.” I looked in the rearview mirror and noted with joy that this proclamation was delivered with and ear-to-ear grin.
The lessons were a steal at five bucks a day and I would have paid ten times that for this outcome. Once again it comes down the right teacher and we were very lucky to get Kim who truly understands how to teach little kids. Clancy and Jack felt safe and simply wanted to do their best for her.
We never know for sure where our kids will find their confidence - and nor do when know where they might lose it - but if we listen to them, really let them have a voice, we can help them fill their bucket and plug any leaks.
Sometimes getting kids out the door in the morning is tantamount to getting drunks out of the bar at last call. Even the most organized, compliant kids seem to fall apart once in a while. Missing shoe, forgotten backpack, homework crisis and in no time we’re yelling, they’re crying, nerves are raw and for the love of Pete, it’s not even 8:30 in the morning yet!
Reason enough to marvel at folks who chose to work with hoards of kids and who pull it off with ease and grace, every day, every week, all year ‘round.
My son was in his dance recital last weekend. His first. He has been going to Absolute Dance off Northland drive since January, once a week and he loves it. The studio is teeming with kids of all ages and sizes and run with a cheery, kid-loving attitude from all who work there. No drama, no chaos, just a good time had by all. I don’t know how they do it.
The recital showcased 400 dancers between the ages of 3 and 16. Some had multiple costume changes, there were four shows the first two of which featured the younger kids in 25, two minute numbers performed seamlessly in an hour and 7 minutes. I didn’t get to see either of the evening shows (which were twice as long as the early shows) with the older kids but by all reports it went just as swimmingly. Not a tear, a torn tight, a fall...just huge smiles and fancy feet. How?
Thirteen Absolute Dance instructors worked backstage and lots of mom volunteers helped for each show. There were free juices and snacks in the lobby, flowers for sale lest you forgot to bring one for your daughter, and throughout a feeling of stress-free teamwork. This is something the students learn at the studio and owners Meaghan and Erika foster that work-together attitude so that a small class or huge recital is the pride of all involved.
They have an excellent staff of talented instructors who are really wonderful with the kids. If your daughter is going to pursue a career in ballet these young women are the kind of role models she needs to be around. The studio focuses on developing leadership as much as they do dance. They encourage a sense of group pride based on the achievements of all rather than of the individual. When a peer does well the rest of the class in sincerely happy for friend. Students of the month are selected for their help and contribution, not their dancing abilities. Constant emphasis of these values is the reason for the happy dancers at Absolute Dance.
Some kids come and give dance a go and then move on to something else, others stay and dancing becomes who they are. There is a 13 year old boy I see at the studio all the time. He is primarily a ballet dancer but does tap and jazz too and did an awesome hip hop solo during the show we saw. He auditioned in Calgary for the National Ballet of Canada and this summer moves into stage two of try outs, spending 4 weeks dancing from 9 to 5 in Toronto. He is a humble, kind and funny young man who works hard on his craft and helps teach the younger kids, he is a great role model and mentor.
All the instructors at Absolute Dance exhibit qualities anyone would want for their kids; hard work, perseverance, and team spirit...not to mention being fit, flexible and strong.
My seven year old wants to dance “like Michael Jackson”. He knows that’s going to be hard work but he is sure enjoying himself while he learns the moves. And the really good news ... when you have boy in hip hop his recital costume of jeans, hoodie and ball cap can actually be worn again.
When it comes to mentors we first think of coaches on the field and teachers in the classroom but great mentors are found in the arts too where a child’s individuality is at the core of things. Their interpretation of music and song, art and movement is entirely their own and only in the company of like-minded coaches and peers will they feel they can safely explore their own talents. At Absolute Dance they have created that critical environment and the kids can feel it and are secure enough to say - “Hey, this is me, check it out!”
Great picture of Miss Meaghan and Miss Erika, owner/directors at the Absolute Dance studio
Click here to get to their site and find out more the studio, summer camps and sessions
Never say, "oops." Always say, "Ah, interesting." ~ Author Unknown
The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. ~ Edward Phelps
Perfection has one grave defect: it is apt to be dull. - William Somerset Maugham
Once you accept the fact that you're not perfect, then you develop some confidence. - Rosalynn Carter
At Bright Minds the kids finish a book of math, submit it to the instructor and begin the next book. The instructor then goes through the finished work and notes any mistakes, it comes back to the students and they have to go back and correct their mistakes.
A couple of things happen here that I like; One - the child gets a true understanding of the old adage “learn from your mistakes”. Two - it shows them how far they have come.
Nothing instills confidence like going back over something you once thought hard and putting your mistakes in perspective. When my kids say "Oh Mom! How could I have thought this was ever hard?” it is music to my hears. I love to watch as they realize that they have improved and that things they once thought hard are no longer difficult. Just what Mom said would happen. Deliberate practice, correcting and learning from mistakes help master the subject.
A child who gets a passing C in any subject moves on to the next level with only a barely sufficient grasp of the material that is the very foundation for the next section. How is this allowed to happen?
It’s like, as the Renert brothers point out, giving someone a two wheeled bike and after an afternoon of falls and without mastering how to safely ride a bicycle they are told - yep, good enough, now here’s your unicycle. A few months into the program my daughter hit a section of problems she found tough. They spent the class working on the methods used to solve the problems but it was going to take practice for her to fully understand it all. She fell apart.
We talked and what she admitted appalled me “Mom, I have never been given anything in school I couldn’t do. I feel dumb with this new stuff.”
She is in grade three, more than enough time to have developed a misplaced sense of infallibility. Had I not enrolled her in Bright Minds when would she have encountered a challenging concept? Junior high? High school? Would her self-image of academic brilliance been pulled out from under her just as the social pressures of teenhood had begun to make for slippery footing?
So we had a chat about the truth. About how very rarely in life do you try something that you are instantly good at - motherhood being no exception.
This need for perfection is fostered by the current education system which teaches to the middle of a classroom. Those kids in the middle of the pack get what they need; manageable content and room to improve. The kids at the bottom of the class are moved into the next grade and get left further and further behind while the kids for whom the work is easy are left unchallenged.
Grade three spelling tests are one example. Now while I understand that there are kids who are being the given appropriate words for their level, what happens to my kid when she gets three mistakes over 30 tests? She feels great and I feel awful. She is developing a pursuit for perfection.
I will not congratulate her for knowing how to spell "farm". Sorry. She reads big, hard books so she had better know how to spell it. I want to commend her efforts but how can I when she doesn’t have to muster any? (for more on the pitfalls of false praise watch the video above)
Though few of us enjoy going over and over things till we get them right there is no other way. I don’t want my surgeon to be anything but a master with his scalpel, my investment advisor having only a pretty good idea of risk management.
Until our children are challenged at school, daily, they will continue to fear making mistakes and that fear of failing will be the biggest barrier between them and a meaningful life, satisfying career and honest relationships.
Deliberate practice is what it takes. Making mistakes, being challenged, learning and relearning until concepts are mastered.
You cannot confidently proclaim “look ma! no hands” until you have fallen off your bike even when holding on ... with both.
Originally Posted April 3, 2012 A friend’s 12 year daughter couldn’t make a recent party with peers as she had other plans. What did she miss? Pizza and cake and a few laughs right? Sadly ... no. One of the more precocious girls at the party decided to hold an impromptu fellatio workshop for the other gals. She had the boys stand up for a demonstration while her female students watched. One of the boys reportedly felt a bit embarrassed so all he got was manual manipulation. The other boys were willing participants in the oral version.
There is a rumour going around that junior and high school girls are soaking tampons in vodka and inserting them up inside themselves to get an undetectable buzz on. No boozy breath and a grand old time as the liquor is supposedly absorbed directly into the bloodstream. This rumour was accompanied by the notion boys are doing the same but inserting it in their arse. So many things make this suspect not the least of which is the impossibility that a soaked, flaccid tampon could be inserted into anything ... but nonetheless the rumour is out there so the kids know about it and some will give it a go.
There was a story in the paper yesterday about the growing number of teen girls committing suicide and that on closer inspection some of these horrible deaths can be attributed to the "choking game", in which children strangle themselves to cut off the flow of blood and oxygen to the brain and induce a euphoric high. Some accidentally die while playing this "game" alone in search of something made to sound fantastic on an internet post.
Bullied on Facebook, Twitter Teased, sexualized, ostracized ....What do we tell our daughters? “It” all seems to start so much earlier now.
Children are exposed to so much so early and it's all without context. Their vocabulary includes words at 6 I didn’t hear until I was in my teens. And by that I don’t just mean the euphemisms and epithets I mean words like “stress” and “anxiety” and “fat”. Their experiential repertoire already includes incidents steeped in disappointment, betrayal and meanness ... it’s all too soon, too early. It’s a byproduct of so many things and the genie ain’t going back in the bottle so it is up to us to find the tools - and most importantly, the language - to help our daughters navigate these murky and turbulent waters that are lapping up at childhood’s magical shores earlier and earlier all the time.
Much as the net can be a feeding ground for misinformation it is of course a great place to find the antidote. Here are two great sites to visit and below that a story from a mom about her daughter's journey from being bullied to finding self-confidence.
I was brought up in 1960’s, my mother would never have considered telling me I had done a great job when in fact I hadn't. She always told me I was capable and praised my efforts when warranted but she never congratulated me for a half-assed job, I was given an accurate view of what I was doing and learned that sometimes I had to try harder, practice more, study harder.
Of my many neuroses, fallout from false praise is not something I have to contend with ;-)
When the kids play hockey at the local arena and one team is getting their butts kicked the grown ups in charge stop adding subsequent goals to the scoreboard so the kids don’t feel bad. Come on, there isn’t a kid on the ice who doesn’t know they are down by exactly 12 goals, what they can’t figure out is why their parents want to hide it from them.
How can we truly believe we are doing our kids any favours with this attitude? High school teachers, university profs and certainly future bosses are never going to praise them for shoddy work or worry about their feelings. How about a “You should be proud of how hard you worked last week” rather than an empty “You are so smart” ? As a result the kids try harder, think longer and will give things a go even if they look hard.
Here is a link to an article on the subject you may be interested in: Globe and Mail
Originally posted January 10, 2012 Whenever my friends and I discuss our children we invariably end up talking about the teen years that lie ahead ... that dark beast lurking in the shadows waiting to change our children into hateful, sweaty, smelly, unkept, pimply, surly ingrates. (By this point in my children’s story my husband I will be nearly 60 so one of two things will happen 1: years of Prozac will have done the trick and I won’t even notice they have become teens or 2: the last crazy gasps of menopause will combine with insanity of teenhood to create a reaction so volatile the house will instantaneously combust. Not sure which I am hoping for.)
The inevitable day will come when we will have transformed into the stupidest person in our children's world and the last one they would come to for advice, for guidance. It seems so impossible now. They are so young and when they look at us you can almost feel the radiant light they see around our glorious heads, hear the angels sing while we pose up on that parental pedestal, fabulous and all knowing.
Insert deep sigh
My friend Michelle said that when her teen-aged son stop playing football it was his coaches his missed most, even more than the game he loved. And this is true of many kids who find a friend and mentor outside the home. These people are a blessing - if they won’t listen to us then please let it be someone who truly has their best interest at heart.
I am lucky that my kids already have people in their lives like that. People who stand on pedestals not quite as tall as mine right now but who will never be toppled from their post either. At Tao of Peace instructor Chris is one such influence. Twice during the class of tumbles and rolls he sits with the kids to break for Coach’s Corner. This segment of the class is worth the price of admission. Chris talks to them about respect and kindness and sharing, self-confidence and self-awareness and all manner of things I try to impart but the difference being that Jack really listens to Instructor Chris. (and so does Clancy from the sidelines where she sits reading)
We all know kids often place more value in your message when it comes out of someone else’s mouth. By the time Jack and Clancy think I’m a moron their friendship with Chris will be many years in the making and where their dad and I cannot help them, Chris likely will.
I found my first mentor in my grade 6 teacher, Jane Locke, and we are still in touch today. I write because of a love of language my mother instilled in me that Jane, my English teacher shone a light on and encouraged from beyond the family tree.
Mentors and coaches are great things to find for your kids, go get one ;-)
