Focus on Kindness Rather than Consequences

At the school our kids go to now we, the parents, don't hear much about meanness, bullying or agrressive behaviour amongst the 350 kids. Not from our kids, not from other parents.

When there has been a problem it's been followed with high praise for the way in which is taken of. Everyone has been satisfied. 

Whatever is going on over there is working because the halls are full of happy kids helping one another out, smiling, giggling. At the open house last month a grade six teacher with some 20-odd years under his belt said he has never had this much fun at work. The teachers always look happy too. There's a nice vibe in the halls from the front desk staff to the custodian.

I asked the principal what she and her staff were doing. Was it Prozac in the water, laughing gas, cult programming ...

She explained that rather focus on the consequences of poor behaviour she and her teachers instead speak to the kids about being inherently kind to one another.

When you tell a kid what the consequence is for their repetitive, unacceptable behaviour all they do is figure out how to side step the consequence by shifting the blame, diverting attention, intimidation - you name it, they hone deviant skills.

Better to spend that time learning how to be kind.

This idea is an extension of how happy households maintain respect - and peace - within their walls and a good principal and staff can do the same with their kids as is clearly evident at St. Dominic Fine Arts School

I just read this article (give it a read, it's good) about a book called "How to Bullyproof your Classroom" in which the author says; "The problem with bullying is actually the challenge of kindness." Amen.

I was reminded of how happy our kids are now that they are in a school that subscribes to this thinking and the biggest part of their day is no longer at odds with the guidance we give them at home.

Teachers & Parents as a Team

This article talks about research that shows how kids with counting skills in preschool fair much in math down the road and it's worth a read, especially if you have really little kids.

That makes sense, we all know what reading to our kids before they get into school does for them. What I found interesting was this paragraph:

“[The] low-income children aren’t learning math skills anywhere because parents think the children are learning them at school, and teachers think they’re learning them at home,” Dr. Manfra explained in the release. “This is a problem because it gives parents and teachers the idea that it’s not their responsibility to educate the children, when it’s everyone’s responsibility. This is problematic because, when the children enter kindergarten and are at lower math levels, they don’t have the foundational skills needed to set them on paths for future success.”

I reckon it’s safe to say this can occur across all household incomes and situations.

We all understand that teaching is everyone’s job and it’s constant. But parents in all income brackets can be surprised when they discover their children cannot read as well as they thought or maybe struggle with math.

It can be for any number of reasons, maybe they can’t see or hear from where they sit but haven't told anyone. I didn’t know my child needed glasses until one day she was standing right in front of the TV screen and that’s when I found out she had been moved to the front row in class. 

It could be an discovered learning disability or learning style. Or they could be inadvertently snowing you...

I remember thinking my son was a genius the way he read a book one night without any real hesitation . I thought; “OK, the penny dropped, he gets it, he’s reading now. Cool.” Then we went to the next book and he read it like it was in foreign language. What the...? “The teacher read us the first book in class today Mom, so I remembered it.” A-ha.

Math can be tricky too. Give a kid two numbers to add and and unbeknownst to us he hasn’t a clue but he takes a stab and is only one number off. We pat him on the back, tell him he was close and doing so well!

Teachers have big classes and many demands, parents are no less busy but when we all take the time to investigate a child's comfort level, skill level and actual abilities we will know better if they need help. 

One of the easiest ways to find out how a kid's reading is progressing is download an app or game they have been dying for that has new instructions. You’ll soon find out what they know by how much reading help they ask for.

Same with math. Open their piggy bank and tell them can buy something then ask them to count out ten pennies they need or the three shiny big silver coins and seven brown ones or twelve of anything.

If it doesn’t look like “learning” or school work then they aren’t trying to prove anything to you and are more comfortable to say - “I don’t know what that word is.” or "How many is ten?”

We can’t expect that teaching just happens at school and nor can teachers know how much we do at home so it’s team work that helps the child thrive.

Although, as the article says, it’s hard for the low income family kids, it can happen in any family. 

Parents Have to Parent!

A little girl at a local school is being bullied. One of the bigger boys is "tea bagging" her. Often.

I’ll let you look it up. One note; this version is done clothed. 

Kids - mostly boys - learn about it playing Halo when battle winners gyrate their crotch over a defeated opponent.

The fact that an 11 year old girl is having this done to her - repeatedly - is disturbing.

More disturbing is that another kid in the school has been paying the boy to do it to this poor girl. 
How is it that kids have managed to get to be 12 years old and not know that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable?

The girl's parents have gone to the school to demand action. But the schools don't know what kind of action to take anymore. Nasty behaviour has slowly crept into the schools over the years and it is not being dealt with. Most schools seem to have given up and it's hard to blame them, it's got to be frustrating to have the parents deny culpability just like their kids do. 

"Not me!" Has become: "Not my kid!"

Used to be a teacher would catch a kid doing something wrong, pull them up by the ear, march them to office, call the kid's parents and they would have to come and get the kid, take him/her home and the principal would give the parents what-for.

But something has happened. Somewhere along the line the schools lost the power to tell the parents: "Either your kid smartens up or he/she can’t come back here." 

As a result abhorrent behaviour is left unchecked and kids have no idea what is intrinsically wrong and few pay any consequences for misbehaving.

Parents are afraid to speak to one another directly about each other's kids to discuss things lest they be black-balled by the Mommy Group, ostracized at the soccer filed or name-called on Facebook. I don't recall my mother ever being more interested in her friendships than our well being and our behaviour. Seems today all kinds of things are ignored so that moms can remain "in" while they quietly seethe about one another's kids. Waste of time.

So as a last resort we turn to the schools to discipline the kids - but that's not their job. They are meant to teach the kids. We are their parents.

Policy at the school should be: 

The school tells the kid to knock it off and no amount of whining or crying is going to change things.

They then call the parents and demand they come pick up their kid and give them a refresher in what's right and wrong.

No more chances, if he/she does it again it's a week's suspension and the school doesn't care if you don't have childcare set up for such a situation, that is your problem, maybe use some of your vacation days to sit with at home and teach your kid about life instead of taking another trip to Hawaii so the kid thinks they get rewards for being an ass.

Parents need to be parents so teachers can teach.

Don't All Teachers Love Kids?

Originally Posted May 9, 2012

It’s that time of year, parents hang around outside the school in the sunshine and talk about their kids and who they may get next year for a homeroom teacher, whether they are staying put or changing schools.

This morning one mother was discussing a recent open house she had gone to at a school in town. The principal said the first thing she does when hiring is make absolutely sure the teacher sitting before her loves kids, can’t get enough of kids and adores working with them. Once that non-negotiable criterion is established then they move onto the business of whether or not the candidate has all the other necessary credentials. Well, dur. No?

Am I crazy to expect that loving kids is the prime motivator to get into education and committing to a life of teaching?

I met a woman who has her teaching degree and homeschools her three kids. I assumed she had studied for the degree so she could educate her kids at home once she started a family. She no, that was not the original plan, but she had decided to home school because of some of her university classmates. Huh? She elaborated; some of them ended up working on a teaching degree simply because they did not have a passion for anything else, or they defaulted to it because they didn’t have the math skills for other endeavours or they chose teaching to have summers off. She said the people who got into it for the love of children and the passion for teaching were the minority. Well, what the...?

Okay, so I digest these nuggets and realize it would certainly explain the teachers who seem anything but happy to be at work. Because if it isn’t about the kids then how could it be enjoyable? I cannot imagine being with children all day, everyday - not even my own two - let alone 25 who belonged to other people, for any amount of money.

This got me thinking about a neighbour years ago telling me that "Teaching would be a great job if it weren't for the kids." She wasn’t joking. 

We all hunger to be liked. When we are around someone we know doesn’t not like us we wonder why, wonder what we have done to turn them off. It becomes a very loud and very persistent inner dialogue and either try very hard to win them over, (a useless, exhausting and eventually soul sucking waste of our time and self esteem) or we ignore them. Neither reaction makes for a healthy learning environment and kids are too young to have realized that not everyone is going to like them, they trust that their teacher will.

Kids in elementary school cannot grasp it, tweens and teens panic at the mere thought of not being liked so what must it be like for them to sit in a room and even suspect that their teacher doesn’t like them?  Can they learn? 

I don’t know, but it sure is a valid question. My kids still have their innate need to learn - and that is really the only thing I want them to get from school. I want that love of learning to grow, to be fed and nourished so it never ever goes away. For that to happen surely they have to be taught by men and women who clearly love kids.

No? Am I expecting too much?