Please Tell Me When My Kid is Being a Sh*t

This morning I posted an article entitled "Is Your Daughter a Bully?" (read it here) on my Facebook page and added this note: 

A friend read it. It prompted her to tell me something that happened three weeks ago. She had deliberated bringing it up, decided not to and then read the post this morning and thought she should. We talked after school today.

My grade 5 daughter, Clancy, told this woman’s grade two daughter, and another girl, that the dance they performed with their class for the parents and all the other kids was “lame”. It hurt their feelings and one of them told their mom. These little girls like my daughter, look up to her and they were really disappointed, as was the mother. 

Was I disappointed in my kid? Yes. 

Did it come as a surprise? Not completely, no.

I think my kids are great and I like them more than most other kids but I don’t think they are perfect but when they make mistakes we are on them. If they are involved in something I usually lean towards blaming them I find out the facts. No, of course it’s not a great approach but given how well I know their mother (me!) I am apt to believe they must be somehow at fault. 

When Clancy came out of school today I presented her with the facts as they had been given to me, the mom was still there and assured Clancy that she still thinks the world of her.

I watched Clancy’s lips go dry, cheeks go pink and her eyes go everywhere but land on us. I said; “You feel bad and you’re embarrassed but it'll be okay.” She said she was both those things. We told her we were not mad but disappointed as we knew this wasn’t her usual behaviour.

Clancy left to apologize to the grade two gal and came back to tell us she had. She could look us in the eye, she was smiling, she felt better. She explained that she had said she was sorry, had not meant to hurt anyone’s feelings, that she was learning to not say what she was thinking and that the dance was really just kids spinning in circles so that was why she said what she did. 

I explained that the art of the apology is sincerity not qualification.

I saw the little girl a few moments later and asked if she was okay with the apology. She said yes. I told her that if it ever happened again she should feel free to tell Clancy; “Hey, that hurt me feelings. You need to apologize.”

Later in the car I asked Clancy how she felt about it and she good that she wanted to write about it. Here’s that:

Why does this minutia bear repeating? Because it never happens anymore.

Moms don’t tell other moms - “Hey, your kid needs to learn from something they did/said, didn’t do/didn’t say. Do you want me to handle it or will you?”

In the good old days my friend would have found Clancy that night and said; “You hurt my daughter’s feelings, you owe her an apology.” And the business of parenting my child would have been just as much her business as it was mine. We all need help with the stuff we don't see.

But what used to be a regular part of conversation between women is now verboten and can end friendships. Our relationships are so entangled with those of our kids that more often than not we ignore a child’s crappiness rather than lose the connection with the mother. There is an unspoken rule that we never discuss our children's failings, everything is peachy keen so what has become epidemic is the discussing of one another and our kids behind each other's backs. It's yucky.

Rather than say; "Myrtle, can you please tell Junior to stop punching my kid so we can just enjoy our morning together in peace? Or do you want me to go do it while you get us more of these delicious Peak Freans?", instead we chose to say nothing and the problem between the kids escalates until finally we just avoid Myrtle on the playground, Junior never finds out his behaviour is abhorrent, he beats on other kids until finally neither he nor his mom have any friends left.

If we feel comfortable relating our children’s missteps to one another, using all these normal behaviours, water-testing and line-crossing moments as an opportunity to teach and help our own kids and other kids, then the teachers could get back to teaching, the kids could get back to learning how to be good humans and the birds would sing all day.

Chris Ann, thanks for coming to talk to me. You and I and our daughters all learned something today. 

To all the moms of all the kids that my kids know and interact with; 

If Clancy or Jack MacNeil’s name comes up at dinner, if they did something that hurt, upset, disturbed your child in any way, please

tell me, call me, tell them. 

Parents Have to Parent!

A little girl at a local school is being bullied. One of the bigger boys is "tea bagging" her. Often.

I’ll let you look it up. One note; this version is done clothed. 

Kids - mostly boys - learn about it playing Halo when battle winners gyrate their crotch over a defeated opponent.

The fact that an 11 year old girl is having this done to her - repeatedly - is disturbing.

More disturbing is that another kid in the school has been paying the boy to do it to this poor girl. 
How is it that kids have managed to get to be 12 years old and not know that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable?

The girl's parents have gone to the school to demand action. But the schools don't know what kind of action to take anymore. Nasty behaviour has slowly crept into the schools over the years and it is not being dealt with. Most schools seem to have given up and it's hard to blame them, it's got to be frustrating to have the parents deny culpability just like their kids do. 

"Not me!" Has become: "Not my kid!"

Used to be a teacher would catch a kid doing something wrong, pull them up by the ear, march them to office, call the kid's parents and they would have to come and get the kid, take him/her home and the principal would give the parents what-for.

But something has happened. Somewhere along the line the schools lost the power to tell the parents: "Either your kid smartens up or he/she can’t come back here." 

As a result abhorrent behaviour is left unchecked and kids have no idea what is intrinsically wrong and few pay any consequences for misbehaving.

Parents are afraid to speak to one another directly about each other's kids to discuss things lest they be black-balled by the Mommy Group, ostracized at the soccer filed or name-called on Facebook. I don't recall my mother ever being more interested in her friendships than our well being and our behaviour. Seems today all kinds of things are ignored so that moms can remain "in" while they quietly seethe about one another's kids. Waste of time.

So as a last resort we turn to the schools to discipline the kids - but that's not their job. They are meant to teach the kids. We are their parents.

Policy at the school should be: 

The school tells the kid to knock it off and no amount of whining or crying is going to change things.

They then call the parents and demand they come pick up their kid and give them a refresher in what's right and wrong.

No more chances, if he/she does it again it's a week's suspension and the school doesn't care if you don't have childcare set up for such a situation, that is your problem, maybe use some of your vacation days to sit with at home and teach your kid about life instead of taking another trip to Hawaii so the kid thinks they get rewards for being an ass.

Parents need to be parents so teachers can teach.

Bullying Comes Down to Parenting

Originally Posted November 11, 2012

Is bullying more prevalent today than in the past?

Sure it is. And it’s not the internet, TV or pop culture.

The problem is parenting. 

Kids are not born mean, in fact research shows they arrive instinctively empathetic. But there are more mean kids out there today than there have been in the past simply because way too many of today's parents have their heads stuck up their ass. 

When confronted with the possibility that their child has behaved poorly an alarming number of parents counter with; “No way, not my kid!” rather than ask to hear more.

Really? Your middle child kicks the dog, your oldest child tells the baby she’s stupid and they are both kicking you as we speak. Are you sure there isn’t a teensy weensy possibility they treat everyone else the same way? 

Nasty little folk become nastier grown ups, hopeless spouses, lousy employees and nightmarish employers and will raise their own despicable kids. The proverbial apple and tree and all that. 

That's how we got to where we are today. 

When you get away with awful behaviour as a kid you grow up to believe that you can get away with anything and that nothing is ever your fault. Not even driving other kids to swallow pills or slit their wrists.

When bad behaviour pops up on the radar smart parents deal with it right away. Discuss, guide, discipline until it has been exorcised. That’s the job.

When parents do not address the behaviour it instead gets exercised. The kid is essentially in training, honing their subversive skills, becoming more manipulative and nastier everyday.

Remember the commercial with the cat that destroys the house and lies serenely on the chair looking innocent having left the debris and evidence around the sleeping dog - owner walks in, dog wakes up, gets in trouble and the cat smiles that sinister cat smile? Remember that one?

That is a kid who was never called on his or her behaviour.

Back in the day EVERY mother gave EVERY kid “what for” and “or else”.

When we where climbing trees up to dangerous heights some woman we didn’t know would open her window and yell; “You get down from there you morons, you’re going to crack your stupid heads open. I’m calling the cops.” Was she wrong? No. She was trying to stop us from killing ourselves. 

Was she name calling? No, she was stating facts. We were morons, owners of stupid heads.

Try doing that today and the kids will call the cops on you.

These days we are so afraid to say the wrong thing and somehow cripple some 6 year kid with the truth that instead we allow that kid to grow up to be a mean teen and a turdy twenty-something and on and on.

Some parents are simply not dialed in. They are quick to reprimand their dog for trying to nip or bite and meanwhile their 7 year old is right there pinching her little sister. ( I often wonder what the dog is thinking in this scenario.)

If another kid is rotten to your kid then try the parent, try the school and when no one helps you have to get in there. Tell the rotten kid to keep his hands off your kid or else. And yeah you’ll get heat but you’re doing both kids a favour.

You know those stories of the mom who lifted a car to save their kids’ lives? Well, telling another woman her kid simply has to stop being mean to your kid ... that’s easier than lifting a car. You’re going to loose some coffee dates, you might get named called and whispered about but you’re a grown up and you can handle it, better you than your kid.

If you don’t stand up for your child you are telling the mean kid they can get away with what they are doing and you are telling your kid there is a line you will not cross to help them.

INTERESTING READS

Young children and even babies demonstrate attributes such as generosity, empathy and a sense of justice, indicating that far from being born as clean slates, humans seem to have innate altruistic tendencies and are able to make moral choices at a remarkably young age. article

"Most kids have engaged in some kind of bullying behaviour in elementary school," says Wendy Craig, a Queen's University psychologist who studies the issue. According to one study involving the early grades, only 36 per cent of girls and 17 per cent of boys said they'd had no involvement in bullying over the course of the school year. "The message for teachers and parents is to identify them early," Dr. Craig says. "If you get a call twice in the school year, you need to be vigilant." article  

Toddlers who are persistently aggressive, defiant and “explosive” aren’t born that way. A new longitudinal study says they’re made that way by “negative parenting” as early as infancy. article

            

Remember, there are really great Bully Proofing work-shops at The Tao of Peace, visit their site to find out more.  And there are terrific programs available through Girl Power, visit their site here.